This past year has been so life changing for me. Pretty much everything has changed. Using this year to take some time off and refocus my life has turned into way much that I thought it would become.
Some people might say that I turned into Kat 2.0, because I've become worldly successful. I've got a full time job at probably the best end of the fastfood chain at Starbucks. I've got my own car, I have the best insurance, steady savings, a 401K, a great credit score, and several other good things. I have a boyfriend who loves me, a family who loves me and my boyfriend's family who loves me. I go to a new church where overall everything seems, well basically better. (That's another story for another day.)
So, basically, I have all my ducks in a row, right?
Yeah...no.
For any one of those things I previously mentioned, you would probably think that whatever human being possessed them would be living a happy life, right? Well, of course you would think that, it seems like you wouldn't have any worries in the world!
But here's the thing, even if I were to go into immense detail about what 401K plan that person were to have, what kind of insurance, what kind of degree he/she is planning on getting, you're missing one major aspect of their life.
Who they are.
It sounds cheesy when I say it out loud, but it's such an important thing to understand. You can have all of those things and be completely unhappy, depressed, even angry. At one point I was all of those things. Albeit I am still those things, but my episodes are much farther apart than they used to be.
In this past year I went from being someone with passions and desire for adventure, to a shell with a 'great life'. (I want to say this right now that my relationship with my boyfriend and my family I consider to be very good and I want to keep them separate from this post as much as possible.) Fact of the matter is, I endured way too much change, way too fast, and was left with me scrambling to pick up whatever pieces were left of who I was off the ground, and barely grabbing anything at that.
It basically started when I decided I wanted to regularly attend my boyfriend's church. It's a wonderful small church with aspects I had never knew I needed and wanted, that my previous church severely lacked. When it became assumed by people I used to call my friends (and I say that with no harsh tone), that I would not be there on Sunday that often, they- for the lack of a better word- abandoned me. The people who had been in my life for as long as I care to remember, got mad at me and got passive aggressive with me, and basically made me realize that my time there was over. A couple of the friendships still exist, though there are only really two people, but I am still glad to have them.
So there, one of my world's was overturned and had disappeared.
What is became what was.
With no one else to really turn to for friendship I turned to my boyfriend. He's wonderful and he loves me and I wouldn't trade him for anything. I love him so much more than I ever thought I could.
I have his permission to talk about the next part.
When it suddenly became just the two of us, things between us got significantly more physical. I can see now that I may have been physically getting closer to him because of the fresh void in my life (not at all saying I was using him, but this is more of a character flaw I found in myself). Time with family turned into alone time and group time became makeout time. To no surprise, it led to sex very quickly.
I want to pause for a minute and say that, yes, losing my virginity was a sin and a mistake before marriage, but I am also incredibly lucky to have had it with at least someone who genuinely loves me and wants to marry me one day (not being naiive).
Basically that turned being with him into a necessity. I felt like I could never leave him because I am supposed to marry him, and if we didn't I should be alone. It already stung to be alone, so the thought of that burned me. I even tried to end it at times to spare myself the pain, and his pain (though that sounds dumb now).
That rapidly changed my moods. I treated him poorly and always questioned his love for me. I was always depressed or angry because I felt like at any moment whatever was left of my life I had created for myself was hanging by a thread. Dramatic but true. I isolated myself at home, and gained almost 50 pounds from overeating. That didn't help me feel any better about myself. It didn't help that work had (and has) successfully made me miserable.
One day, he had had it. And rightfully so. My moods were too much and hope seemed lost. He told me it was over but then we ended up on agreeing that we would take a month to distance ourselves and try to start again. Well, it's been a month since we ended that month and although we make mistakes sometimes, we are better than ever.
Now where does that leave me?
170lb me is sitting on in my backyard attempting to start rebuilding who I am again. I can't go back to the same person I was because that part of me was taken away for a reason. I feel like I have a blank canvas, and a lot of opportunities.
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